The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize