Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
