she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
