I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
