there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
