Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
