So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
