Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
