I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
