and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
