Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
