You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have already put on my inside pants.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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