this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dick very happy bro
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
