Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
