it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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