seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
