YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
