I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
