gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
