Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
