Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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