just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
