Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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