working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
