I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
