Pappa wants mamma naked
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
