Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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