We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
