god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Come see our sink grown plant.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
