I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
