I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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