My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
