I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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