I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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