i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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