I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
