we have pet lesbian snakes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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