she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
