The maid of honor just puked.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
