omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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