i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
