I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
