I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
