You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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