I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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