please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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