so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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