Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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