He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
