Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
