My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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