I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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