Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize