It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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