Sry I called you an 8
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
