My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize