Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
True strength comes from lack of pants
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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