apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
