If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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