His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize